I have rules that govern my friendships. It's not even something considered universal (like the Bro Code) it's just how I control my life and the chaos in it.
1. If you don't want my honest opinion, don't ask me a question.
2. If you do ask, at least consider my advice. You are not allowed to ask me about the same problem again otherwise.
3. I am your friend, not your therapist. Don't call me for periodic progress reports. Call me so that I can be excited and experience the joys of life with you, too.
Some people would consider me to be pretty young I'm 27, fresh out of college and I barely gotten started in life, let alone trying to include anyone in mine. I'm a very private person. I don't share secrets easily (if ever.) However people seem to flock to me to tell me everything. Everyone says it's because I have a friendly face. I'm always the first person to say hi or at least smile when I walk by someone. I thought I was only bring polite, but apparently it's very disarming. I even met my three best friends this way. However, this ability almost cost me my friendships.
I didn't mind talking to them about their problems. Everyone has them. Sometimes you just need a listener. The issue arose when they only seemed to call with problems. It didn't matter who was involved (or that they should be talking to that person rather than me,) I was there to be supportive. It got so bad, that their problems became my own. I was getting depressed over them! I even avoided one's calls, in particular. I couldn't take it anymore. I considered breaking up with them all. I had to learn that I couldn't change people. I couldn't do all the maintenance work. They needed to be held accountable for their own lives. if I didn't step back, I was going to resent them, leaving me friendless and alone.
That's where my rules come into play. I took control of the situation in order to save my relationships. The general rule I follow when deciding what or who to keep in my life is simple. If it doesn’t logically make sense and somehow benefit me, I don’t need it. It might seem cold and uncaring, but it applies to my interaction with others as well. I began to evaluate my standing with each woman. What was I getting from the relationship? The answer was “not much.” Not because they were all selfish, but because I wasn’t asking. I wasn’t requiring the same investment of them that they were of me.
It is totally normal and healthy to have differences in opinions and the approaches we each take to problems. Boundaries are necessary to keep the peace in all relationships, just like laws exist in every society to provide protection from harm and wrongdoing. At a certain age, you realize that these rules and regulations are truly just common sense and decency in the end. Friends don't let other friends take advantage of them.
