How Boundaries Saved My Relationships

I have rules that govern my friendships. It's not even something considered universal (like the Bro Code) it's just  how I control my life and the chaos in it.  

1. If you don't want my honest opinion, don't ask me a question.


2. If you do ask, at least consider my advice. You are not allowed to ask me about the same problem again otherwise.


3. I am your friend, not your therapist. Don't call me for periodic progress reports. Call me so that I can be excited and experience the joys of life with you, too.


Some people would consider me to be pretty young I'm 27, fresh out of college and I barely gotten started in life, let alone trying to include anyone in mine. I'm a very private person. I don't share secrets easily (if ever.) However people seem to flock to me to tell me everything. Everyone says it's because I have a friendly face. I'm always the first person to say hi or at least smile when I walk by someone. I thought I was only bring polite, but apparently it's very disarming. I even met my three best friends this way. However, this ability almost cost me my friendships.


I didn't mind talking to them about their problems. Everyone has them. Sometimes you just need a listener. The issue arose  when they only  seemed to call with problems. It didn't matter who was involved (or that they should be talking to that person rather than me,) I was there to be supportive. It got so bad, that their problems became my  own. I was getting depressed over them!  I even avoided one's calls, in particular. I couldn't take it anymore.  I considered breaking up with them all. I had to learn that I couldn't change people. I couldn't do all the maintenance work. They needed to be held accountable for their own lives. if I didn't step back, I was going to resent them, leaving me friendless and alone.


That's where my rules come into play. I took control of the situation in order to save my relationships. The general rule I follow when deciding what or who to keep in my life is simple. If it doesn’t logically make sense and somehow benefit me, I don’t need it. It might seem cold and uncaring, but it applies to my interaction with others as well. I began to evaluate my standing with each woman. What was I getting from the relationship? The answer was “not much.” Not because they were all selfish, but because I wasn’t asking. I wasn’t requiring the same investment of them that they were of me. 


It is totally normal and healthy to have differences in opinions and the approaches we each take to problems. Boundaries are necessary to keep the peace in all relationships, just like laws exist in every society to provide protection from harm and wrongdoing. At a certain age, you realize that these rules and regulations are truly just common sense and decency in the end.  Friends don't let other friends take advantage of them.  

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The Power of Vulnerability: Live your best life

You can watch the video here

A few days ago, I was watching Brene Brown's TedTalk on Netflix about vulnerability. It talked about how we need it to feel connected to others. Connection gives meaning and purpose to life. I had to think about it for a second, but it totally made sense. You have people, causes and activities that you really care about. You get to express your true feelings around them. You choose a cause to support because you feel connected to it. Maybe you have or have lost a relative to cancer, so you participate in the 3-day walk, or perhaps someone close was affected by drunk driving. Maybe you're deeply affected by the debates on birth control and abortion. It could even be a hobby. You like dancing because it lets you release your tension, or painting because it gives you perspective.   It could be a character from a movie, TV show or game.

I'll give you a personal example. There's a game that my boyfriend bought a few years ago called Flower. All you do is catch flower petals. At first I thought it was dumb. Who'd want to do that for more than 5 minutes? He said it was good for stress relief.  Anyway, I was going through a hard time and feeling pretty lost about some aspects in my life. One stage in the game is all dark, gray and ominous. Everything is destroyed and you literally have to go through a ton of obstacles to collect all the petals. It took forever and it was hard. At the end, when I'd finally made it out into the open field and it was over, I cried. I mean, I cried like a baby. I felt like that stage was a metaphor for my life back then. Anything that you feel passionate about or evokes emotion, you have a connection with it.Vulnerability makes that possible. I had to get over the mentality of thinking that the game was dumb and give it a chance. Let down my guard and just enjoy the distraction. I didn't play video games often and I didn't understand why he always got so attached to certain things when he played, but now I understood how he could identify with situations, people, places and things, even if they were just imaginary.

However, people don't like being vulnerable. They hate it, actually. The problem with vulnerability is that it is synonymous with shame, weakness and even fear. It's hard to let go and experience things with an open mind and open heart when you're afraid of what might happen. The same things happen when you're starting a new relationship. Sometimes, we go into new situations with our guards up, fearful of trusting others. That might be fine at the very beginning, but if you're constantly waiting for something to go wrong or someone to hurt you, it makes it harder for the two of you to get to know each other and connect on a deeper level.  You've closed yourself off from the bad emotions, but you haven't opened up to good ones.

I liken this to walking around with your arms crossed, eyes closed, and wearing earplugs while you have a stuffy nose. You don't have use of your senses, so you're just wandering through life, unable to avoid the obstacles around you that may hurt you in some way.  Alternately, you also can't experience the joy in life, like tasty, fresh cooked food, the people around you smiling, talking and laughing. In other words, even if you're alive and breathing, your life will lack meaning without experiencing the good along with the not so good. And no matter what you do,  you can't avoid it all together. You'll either bump right into it and fall down or you'll see it. It's there, you might even side step it. But how much would you miss out on by side stepping every little thing around you? Avoiding a new dating prospect because he or she doesn't meet some physical requirement is an excuse to avoid getting to know someone for who they are.

We need to stop making certainties out of the unpredictable differences between ourselves and others. Just because you feel a certain way about something, doesn't mean that everyone around you has to feel the same way. What's right for you isn't always right for another person. Vulnerability allows us to see and appreciate the diversity around us, giving us a chance to empathize with others and learn about ourselves.  Courage means to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. Many people talk about being brave, fearless and secure in our own identity. If you're afraid to get to know others or open yourself up to the world, how much are you really living? It's okay to be afraid, but we should embrace it and find ways to take the anxiety out of situations.

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