The Dreaded Friend Zone: I Know How You Got Here

I’ve been doing quite a bit of thinking about this whole “friendzone” situation and quite honestly, it doesn’t make any sense. I hear my guy friends talk about it all the time. “I listen to her all the time, I help her, I’m supportive. Why doesn’t she see that I like her?”  Well the answer to the dilemma is that you listen to her, you help her and you’re supportive. I know what you’re thinking “But, Gabbi, I thought that’s what girls wanted!” You’d be correct but only after you’ve shown her that you’re romantically interested in her. Women constantly complain about how terrible men are. There are no good ones left, they’re only out for sex, and they don’t know how to treat a woman. You want to prove her wrong—that you know how to treat a woman and you’re not always thinking with your man parts. You do everything for her because you really like this girl. 


If she was thirsty, you’d be ready to bring her Tibetan spring water because, quite simply, plain old tap water wasn’t good enough. She’s moving and needs someone to help lift boxes? You’re game.  She had an awful day and needs to vent about it? You’re a great listener. You’re giving out all this support while trying not to sexualize the relationship in any way. You are giving yourself away freely. She’s probably going to take advantage of that because, hey, it’s always going to be there.  It’s confusing and easy to get the signals crossed.


I mean, really think about this for a second. Say you’ve been friends with someone for a really long time and you’re starting to develop feelings for them. You’d be a little afraid to say something because you don’t want to ruin the relationship you already have, right? The person might look at you funny when you start flirting with them. The other person doesn’t see you (initially) as someone who is sexually attractive to them. That’s not to say that it couldn’t change. My boyfriend and I started off in this exact situation. I had a developed a little crush on him, but didn’t want to risk losing him as a friend, so I never said anything. But once he let me know that he was interested in me (he came right out and said it,) I was able to see him as a potential romantic partner. His conversation, his kindness, his companionship, his help and most importantly, his time became something he could offer me.


 I think it also works the same way with two people who have never met one another. If you’re in a bar or a club, you have no connection to this person. If you walk up to someone who is having a drink, you have all the control. If you’re talking and you realize that you’re interested, that’s fine, but steer the conversation.  Are you the guy that listens to the girls at parties who always want to talk about their problems?  Congratulations, you‘re at risk of failing because you’ve elevated their problems above yours. If you fall into the listening/support trap early on, it’s going to follow you through the entire relationship… as her friend.
  
It’s simple: if you want to stay out of the friendzone, flirt! For the love of all things love-related, flirting is essential. How does anyone know that you’re attracted to them if you don’t show them or tell them? Find some direct way of telling her that you like her, otherwise, it’s a waste of time. I don’t know any mind readers. Chances are, neither do you.  Besides, we all know that faking it ‘til you make it isn’t always the best idea and acting like you don’t want something is just pretending. It doesn’t make the yearning go away. Do yourself a favor and go after what you want.

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*3 Simple Love-ipies*

In my opinion, being in a relationship is as fun & easy as you make it. 

I don't think there should be any particular rhyme or set of rules that every couple has to follow in order to make it...or is there? 

I have recently entered into a committed relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend, "Facebook official" situation so learning the ropes of this exclusive dating stuff is a relative priority for me right now to make it the best situation possible for not only my guy but for myself as well. 

With that being said,

I think in general there are a few simple relationship philosophies to go by that can help smooth over any issues that may arise or cause a nice harmony early on from the get go & they are as follows..

Do unto your partner as you would want done to you!

...Simple notion that goes a long way. Once you find someone that is willing to treat you as well as you treat them then that is a golden circumstance that makes everything that you two may face easier from the very beginning...

OVERcommunicate :)

(word I just made up but that's neither here nor there..)

...Talking through things isn't always fun, easy or simple but I believe it to be necessary to talk up & let your partner know things that you may not even necessarily want to share with them. In order to free your mind & keep both of you on the same page it really needs to be done in order to keep the lines of communication  widdeeee open. If there is no more raw talking going on then I do believe more problems will arise or breaking up may be inevitable...

Take your time.

...Don't be in such a rush to place labels on your particular situation  because every case is different. Unless things are going wayyy too slow to the point where you are questioning if the other person is interested then enjoy the getting to know each other phase to not get bored too soon. I think it is better to take monogamous dating one day at a time to not add any extra pressure because you really just don't know what's going to come up in the future. Slightly pessimistic view but it can save some heartache if you take things one step at a time before things get too deep or serious... 

Of course, there is no perfect recipe to creating a harmonious relationship but when you are trying to be the best boyfriend or girlfriend you can be..little tips can't possibly hurt :)

Any simple notions you care to share? 

I need all the help I can get! :)

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The Power of Vulnerability: Live your best life

You can watch the video here

A few days ago, I was watching Brene Brown's TedTalk on Netflix about vulnerability. It talked about how we need it to feel connected to others. Connection gives meaning and purpose to life. I had to think about it for a second, but it totally made sense. You have people, causes and activities that you really care about. You get to express your true feelings around them. You choose a cause to support because you feel connected to it. Maybe you have or have lost a relative to cancer, so you participate in the 3-day walk, or perhaps someone close was affected by drunk driving. Maybe you're deeply affected by the debates on birth control and abortion. It could even be a hobby. You like dancing because it lets you release your tension, or painting because it gives you perspective.   It could be a character from a movie, TV show or game.

I'll give you a personal example. There's a game that my boyfriend bought a few years ago called Flower. All you do is catch flower petals. At first I thought it was dumb. Who'd want to do that for more than 5 minutes? He said it was good for stress relief.  Anyway, I was going through a hard time and feeling pretty lost about some aspects in my life. One stage in the game is all dark, gray and ominous. Everything is destroyed and you literally have to go through a ton of obstacles to collect all the petals. It took forever and it was hard. At the end, when I'd finally made it out into the open field and it was over, I cried. I mean, I cried like a baby. I felt like that stage was a metaphor for my life back then. Anything that you feel passionate about or evokes emotion, you have a connection with it.Vulnerability makes that possible. I had to get over the mentality of thinking that the game was dumb and give it a chance. Let down my guard and just enjoy the distraction. I didn't play video games often and I didn't understand why he always got so attached to certain things when he played, but now I understood how he could identify with situations, people, places and things, even if they were just imaginary.

However, people don't like being vulnerable. They hate it, actually. The problem with vulnerability is that it is synonymous with shame, weakness and even fear. It's hard to let go and experience things with an open mind and open heart when you're afraid of what might happen. The same things happen when you're starting a new relationship. Sometimes, we go into new situations with our guards up, fearful of trusting others. That might be fine at the very beginning, but if you're constantly waiting for something to go wrong or someone to hurt you, it makes it harder for the two of you to get to know each other and connect on a deeper level.  You've closed yourself off from the bad emotions, but you haven't opened up to good ones.

I liken this to walking around with your arms crossed, eyes closed, and wearing earplugs while you have a stuffy nose. You don't have use of your senses, so you're just wandering through life, unable to avoid the obstacles around you that may hurt you in some way.  Alternately, you also can't experience the joy in life, like tasty, fresh cooked food, the people around you smiling, talking and laughing. In other words, even if you're alive and breathing, your life will lack meaning without experiencing the good along with the not so good. And no matter what you do,  you can't avoid it all together. You'll either bump right into it and fall down or you'll see it. It's there, you might even side step it. But how much would you miss out on by side stepping every little thing around you? Avoiding a new dating prospect because he or she doesn't meet some physical requirement is an excuse to avoid getting to know someone for who they are.

We need to stop making certainties out of the unpredictable differences between ourselves and others. Just because you feel a certain way about something, doesn't mean that everyone around you has to feel the same way. What's right for you isn't always right for another person. Vulnerability allows us to see and appreciate the diversity around us, giving us a chance to empathize with others and learn about ourselves.  Courage means to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. Many people talk about being brave, fearless and secure in our own identity. If you're afraid to get to know others or open yourself up to the world, how much are you really living? It's okay to be afraid, but we should embrace it and find ways to take the anxiety out of situations.

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Games & More Games...Who's really winning?

Often times in dating, it seems that men & women aren't able to get on the same page because of  the bullsh*t games that go on in order to not seem vulnerable, desperate or caring. I don't know why this has become a popular tactic for the dating game, (*pun INTENDED*) particularly when you are genuinely interested in making that person a significant part of your life for more than one night (i.e. boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, etc.)

Just doesn't make sense in my book. 

Then again, I can see the need for some discretion especially in the early stages of dating someone. However, the fact that one person will take advantage of another who is willing to put themselves out there by communicating regularly, express gushy feelings even if they aren't being reciprocated and make a space in their time to show they are really interested in making you a priority is very commendable in my book.

I say this to say that when dating someone you are really thinking could be a good keeper, let most of these rules, regulations and philosophies your (most often) single friends tell you to abide by and just trust who YOU are. Do what feels right to you all the time unless you are completely irrational, crazy and people you have dated have actually told you so-- in which case, you might want to rethink some things. :)

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