How Boundaries Saved My Relationships

I have rules that govern my friendships. It's not even something considered universal (like the Bro Code) it's just  how I control my life and the chaos in it.  

1. If you don't want my honest opinion, don't ask me a question.


2. If you do ask, at least consider my advice. You are not allowed to ask me about the same problem again otherwise.


3. I am your friend, not your therapist. Don't call me for periodic progress reports. Call me so that I can be excited and experience the joys of life with you, too.


Some people would consider me to be pretty young I'm 27, fresh out of college and I barely gotten started in life, let alone trying to include anyone in mine. I'm a very private person. I don't share secrets easily (if ever.) However people seem to flock to me to tell me everything. Everyone says it's because I have a friendly face. I'm always the first person to say hi or at least smile when I walk by someone. I thought I was only bring polite, but apparently it's very disarming. I even met my three best friends this way. However, this ability almost cost me my friendships.


I didn't mind talking to them about their problems. Everyone has them. Sometimes you just need a listener. The issue arose  when they only  seemed to call with problems. It didn't matter who was involved (or that they should be talking to that person rather than me,) I was there to be supportive. It got so bad, that their problems became my  own. I was getting depressed over them!  I even avoided one's calls, in particular. I couldn't take it anymore.  I considered breaking up with them all. I had to learn that I couldn't change people. I couldn't do all the maintenance work. They needed to be held accountable for their own lives. if I didn't step back, I was going to resent them, leaving me friendless and alone.


That's where my rules come into play. I took control of the situation in order to save my relationships. The general rule I follow when deciding what or who to keep in my life is simple. If it doesn’t logically make sense and somehow benefit me, I don’t need it. It might seem cold and uncaring, but it applies to my interaction with others as well. I began to evaluate my standing with each woman. What was I getting from the relationship? The answer was “not much.” Not because they were all selfish, but because I wasn’t asking. I wasn’t requiring the same investment of them that they were of me. 


It is totally normal and healthy to have differences in opinions and the approaches we each take to problems. Boundaries are necessary to keep the peace in all relationships, just like laws exist in every society to provide protection from harm and wrongdoing. At a certain age, you realize that these rules and regulations are truly just common sense and decency in the end.  Friends don't let other friends take advantage of them.  

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Online Dating: Does It Really Make Sense?

Something has been irking me lately. I used to get so mad when I saw the eHarmony commercials with the super average looking man and the really attractive wife. According to TV, you would think that happened far less than the ad campaign is giving you hope for. That's not my particular issue this time. However, it did made me think. Just how is anyone supposed to be successful at online dating? 

You're being inundated with information and pictures from the moment you click the sign-up button. You spend hours of time picking your best profile picture and crafting the perfect answer to the profile questions. If you've ever completed one, you know that they can seem never-ending and they can get pretty involved. By the time you're done, everything that anyone could need to know about you is on display. Now that that's over, you begin to sort through all the matches that the site is offering up at this potential love buffet. And a nanosecond after you've messaged one person (because he was so your type), you now have seven new choices dangling in front of you. If you ask me, this just spells d-i-s-a-s-t-e-r. If you weren't already picky enough in your real-life encounters, now you have 3,742 possible new people to sift through and to make matters worse, you can almost bet that profile picture was taken at least six months ago. Now, does that mean that if you add all this up, that you're destined to fail at finding love online? Not necessarily, but hear me out.


Online dating is supposed to be easier because your matches are served to you like that stack of warm plates at a buffet restaurant. I mean really, though? Why do you go to a buffet? Maybe you're starving. Maybe you can never make up your mind on what to eat so you just have a little bit of everything. I think that's a problem though. When you're browsing through all your new potential mates, you're more than likely going to message several at a time. As you're waiting for them to respond, you're probably going to keep looking at profiles and messaging more people. By the time you stop, you've got 15 people that you've chosen plus the ones that have found and messaged you. 


You really put all those irons in the fire. There's no playing around going on here. How are you going to respond to all these inquiries? More than likely, it will be with some generic answers that didn't require much thought at all. And if you chose to go out on a date with that hot guy, what exactly are you going to talk about? You've already read his biography. You might have even googled him, found him on Facebook and creeped on his page. All this multi-tasking can be detrimental to your success at finding a good potential match because you're not putting any real effort into your responses. And that date is going to be awkward because there's no mystery left. Hooray for awkward lulls in conversation! These dating sites are big business and since most of them charge you a monthly fee, I bet they're counting on your multiple-iron technique to keep you paying dues for a long time to come. Do yourself a favor. Slow down and think about what's really important to you.  Oh, and as my mother says, don't let your eyes be bigger than your stomach. Just because all the food is there for you to eat, doesn't mean you should eat mindlessly. I'm positive the same goes for dating, whether you choose on or offline.


Photo: Stuart Miles

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Together or Separate: Money Matters in Relationships

For the longest time now, my boyfriend of seven years and I have been talking about getting a joint bank account. We've lived together for three years and have various bills together, so it makes sense for us to put our money together since we pretty much spend it together, right? Or maybe not.

Looking for another perspective on the idea, I turned to my favorite opinion gathering spot, Facebook, along with a conversation I sparked with a male friend. It seemed that we all had the same opinion: there are really no rules as to when a couple can decided to combine their finances and assets. but each person should have a separate account for personal spending or as one of my FB buddies put it, "...have something put away for a rainy day and never let your left hand know what your right hand is doing." I could totally agree with that. I also had a friend that believed that finances should never be combined. It doesn't mean that you can't work together and be together, I think he just felt that it might avoid a point of contention. "If I fail she got me and vice versa. Two leaders is better than one."

I suppose that all this boils down to is a little bit of common sense and a lot of trust. Common sense says that if you've only been together a short time, it's a good idea to keep your own accounts. Some people feel like one year is a long time (I'm not one of them.) My friends look at me funny when I tell them how long my boyfriend have been together because, you know, that's a freaking eternity. We're practically ancient in Couple years! However, everyone's decisions will be influenced by their own experiences and when we decide to combine our money, whether in whole or part, we will be prepared to deal with everything that comes along with it. In the end, we are still independent people and must be able to do for self first.

For a great outline of how to deal with your money matters, see these 25 financial tips for couples from WIFE.org

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The Dreaded Friend Zone: I Know How You Got Here

I’ve been doing quite a bit of thinking about this whole “friendzone” situation and quite honestly, it doesn’t make any sense. I hear my guy friends talk about it all the time. “I listen to her all the time, I help her, I’m supportive. Why doesn’t she see that I like her?”  Well the answer to the dilemma is that you listen to her, you help her and you’re supportive. I know what you’re thinking “But, Gabbi, I thought that’s what girls wanted!” You’d be correct but only after you’ve shown her that you’re romantically interested in her. Women constantly complain about how terrible men are. There are no good ones left, they’re only out for sex, and they don’t know how to treat a woman. You want to prove her wrong—that you know how to treat a woman and you’re not always thinking with your man parts. You do everything for her because you really like this girl. 


If she was thirsty, you’d be ready to bring her Tibetan spring water because, quite simply, plain old tap water wasn’t good enough. She’s moving and needs someone to help lift boxes? You’re game.  She had an awful day and needs to vent about it? You’re a great listener. You’re giving out all this support while trying not to sexualize the relationship in any way. You are giving yourself away freely. She’s probably going to take advantage of that because, hey, it’s always going to be there.  It’s confusing and easy to get the signals crossed.


I mean, really think about this for a second. Say you’ve been friends with someone for a really long time and you’re starting to develop feelings for them. You’d be a little afraid to say something because you don’t want to ruin the relationship you already have, right? The person might look at you funny when you start flirting with them. The other person doesn’t see you (initially) as someone who is sexually attractive to them. That’s not to say that it couldn’t change. My boyfriend and I started off in this exact situation. I had a developed a little crush on him, but didn’t want to risk losing him as a friend, so I never said anything. But once he let me know that he was interested in me (he came right out and said it,) I was able to see him as a potential romantic partner. His conversation, his kindness, his companionship, his help and most importantly, his time became something he could offer me.


 I think it also works the same way with two people who have never met one another. If you’re in a bar or a club, you have no connection to this person. If you walk up to someone who is having a drink, you have all the control. If you’re talking and you realize that you’re interested, that’s fine, but steer the conversation.  Are you the guy that listens to the girls at parties who always want to talk about their problems?  Congratulations, you‘re at risk of failing because you’ve elevated their problems above yours. If you fall into the listening/support trap early on, it’s going to follow you through the entire relationship… as her friend.
  
It’s simple: if you want to stay out of the friendzone, flirt! For the love of all things love-related, flirting is essential. How does anyone know that you’re attracted to them if you don’t show them or tell them? Find some direct way of telling her that you like her, otherwise, it’s a waste of time. I don’t know any mind readers. Chances are, neither do you.  Besides, we all know that faking it ‘til you make it isn’t always the best idea and acting like you don’t want something is just pretending. It doesn’t make the yearning go away. Do yourself a favor and go after what you want.

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*3 Simple Love-ipies*

In my opinion, being in a relationship is as fun & easy as you make it. 

I don't think there should be any particular rhyme or set of rules that every couple has to follow in order to make it...or is there? 

I have recently entered into a committed relationship, boyfriend/girlfriend, "Facebook official" situation so learning the ropes of this exclusive dating stuff is a relative priority for me right now to make it the best situation possible for not only my guy but for myself as well. 

With that being said,

I think in general there are a few simple relationship philosophies to go by that can help smooth over any issues that may arise or cause a nice harmony early on from the get go & they are as follows..

Do unto your partner as you would want done to you!

...Simple notion that goes a long way. Once you find someone that is willing to treat you as well as you treat them then that is a golden circumstance that makes everything that you two may face easier from the very beginning...

OVERcommunicate :)

(word I just made up but that's neither here nor there..)

...Talking through things isn't always fun, easy or simple but I believe it to be necessary to talk up & let your partner know things that you may not even necessarily want to share with them. In order to free your mind & keep both of you on the same page it really needs to be done in order to keep the lines of communication  widdeeee open. If there is no more raw talking going on then I do believe more problems will arise or breaking up may be inevitable...

Take your time.

...Don't be in such a rush to place labels on your particular situation  because every case is different. Unless things are going wayyy too slow to the point where you are questioning if the other person is interested then enjoy the getting to know each other phase to not get bored too soon. I think it is better to take monogamous dating one day at a time to not add any extra pressure because you really just don't know what's going to come up in the future. Slightly pessimistic view but it can save some heartache if you take things one step at a time before things get too deep or serious... 

Of course, there is no perfect recipe to creating a harmonious relationship but when you are trying to be the best boyfriend or girlfriend you can be..little tips can't possibly hurt :)

Any simple notions you care to share? 

I need all the help I can get! :)

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The Power of Vulnerability: Live your best life

You can watch the video here

A few days ago, I was watching Brene Brown's TedTalk on Netflix about vulnerability. It talked about how we need it to feel connected to others. Connection gives meaning and purpose to life. I had to think about it for a second, but it totally made sense. You have people, causes and activities that you really care about. You get to express your true feelings around them. You choose a cause to support because you feel connected to it. Maybe you have or have lost a relative to cancer, so you participate in the 3-day walk, or perhaps someone close was affected by drunk driving. Maybe you're deeply affected by the debates on birth control and abortion. It could even be a hobby. You like dancing because it lets you release your tension, or painting because it gives you perspective.   It could be a character from a movie, TV show or game.

I'll give you a personal example. There's a game that my boyfriend bought a few years ago called Flower. All you do is catch flower petals. At first I thought it was dumb. Who'd want to do that for more than 5 minutes? He said it was good for stress relief.  Anyway, I was going through a hard time and feeling pretty lost about some aspects in my life. One stage in the game is all dark, gray and ominous. Everything is destroyed and you literally have to go through a ton of obstacles to collect all the petals. It took forever and it was hard. At the end, when I'd finally made it out into the open field and it was over, I cried. I mean, I cried like a baby. I felt like that stage was a metaphor for my life back then. Anything that you feel passionate about or evokes emotion, you have a connection with it.Vulnerability makes that possible. I had to get over the mentality of thinking that the game was dumb and give it a chance. Let down my guard and just enjoy the distraction. I didn't play video games often and I didn't understand why he always got so attached to certain things when he played, but now I understood how he could identify with situations, people, places and things, even if they were just imaginary.

However, people don't like being vulnerable. They hate it, actually. The problem with vulnerability is that it is synonymous with shame, weakness and even fear. It's hard to let go and experience things with an open mind and open heart when you're afraid of what might happen. The same things happen when you're starting a new relationship. Sometimes, we go into new situations with our guards up, fearful of trusting others. That might be fine at the very beginning, but if you're constantly waiting for something to go wrong or someone to hurt you, it makes it harder for the two of you to get to know each other and connect on a deeper level.  You've closed yourself off from the bad emotions, but you haven't opened up to good ones.

I liken this to walking around with your arms crossed, eyes closed, and wearing earplugs while you have a stuffy nose. You don't have use of your senses, so you're just wandering through life, unable to avoid the obstacles around you that may hurt you in some way.  Alternately, you also can't experience the joy in life, like tasty, fresh cooked food, the people around you smiling, talking and laughing. In other words, even if you're alive and breathing, your life will lack meaning without experiencing the good along with the not so good. And no matter what you do,  you can't avoid it all together. You'll either bump right into it and fall down or you'll see it. It's there, you might even side step it. But how much would you miss out on by side stepping every little thing around you? Avoiding a new dating prospect because he or she doesn't meet some physical requirement is an excuse to avoid getting to know someone for who they are.

We need to stop making certainties out of the unpredictable differences between ourselves and others. Just because you feel a certain way about something, doesn't mean that everyone around you has to feel the same way. What's right for you isn't always right for another person. Vulnerability allows us to see and appreciate the diversity around us, giving us a chance to empathize with others and learn about ourselves.  Courage means to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. Many people talk about being brave, fearless and secure in our own identity. If you're afraid to get to know others or open yourself up to the world, how much are you really living? It's okay to be afraid, but we should embrace it and find ways to take the anxiety out of situations.

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Games & More Games...Who's really winning?

Often times in dating, it seems that men & women aren't able to get on the same page because of  the bullsh*t games that go on in order to not seem vulnerable, desperate or caring. I don't know why this has become a popular tactic for the dating game, (*pun INTENDED*) particularly when you are genuinely interested in making that person a significant part of your life for more than one night (i.e. boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, etc.)

Just doesn't make sense in my book. 

Then again, I can see the need for some discretion especially in the early stages of dating someone. However, the fact that one person will take advantage of another who is willing to put themselves out there by communicating regularly, express gushy feelings even if they aren't being reciprocated and make a space in their time to show they are really interested in making you a priority is very commendable in my book.

I say this to say that when dating someone you are really thinking could be a good keeper, let most of these rules, regulations and philosophies your (most often) single friends tell you to abide by and just trust who YOU are. Do what feels right to you all the time unless you are completely irrational, crazy and people you have dated have actually told you so-- in which case, you might want to rethink some things. :)

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Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze, Jr. Prove My Point. Communication Is The Basis of All Good Relationships!

I don't know about you guys, but I absolutely love a good hollywood love story... when it lasts. Freddie Prinze, Jr. has been one of my celeb crushes since he was Zack in 1999's "She's All That" and I worshiped SMG through all seven seasons of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." I thought they were perfect for each other when they announced their engagement back in 2001 and subsequent marriage the year after that. With only a few months until their 10 year anniversary in September, (gasp!) Yahoo! ran a story today about the secret to their decade-long union and  the impending big sisterhood for their two year old daughter, Charlotte Grace. Sarah pretty much proves my point that relationships are nothing without communication, whether they are personal relationships with friends and coworkers, business relationships, or intimate relationships with a significant other.  "We communicate. That's my secret. It's not a secret, but it's how I handle all my good relationships, whether they're male-female or not. If you bottle things up, it explodes on you." Not to mention that as humans, we lack the supernatural powers of mind reading. How does anyone know what you want or need if you don't tell anyone?  So, congratulations to the happy couple and thanks for restoring a little bit of faith that love and marriage can last.

(Image: Google)

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What Makes A Man or Woman Sexy?

It's easy right? Let's see...

We see couples everyday and we say "How did he get her?" Or maybe it's"That's the girl he was talking about?". It's not as easy as you think. I walked around on my vacation and asked 100 men and women what traits or actions are considered sexy in a man or woman.

Women said:

25% considered a man who is "nerdy" or really educated as something that attracts them to them

• 25% said that a man with gentlemanly qualities such as opening doors, respecting their elders, or even treating their moms with respect is attractive.

• 50% cited aspects of physical appearance like body type, face, hair, and teeth...

When I asked men, their answers were a little more specific:

•  65% named physical appearance as the primary source of attraction, focusing on body shape, face,long or short hair. Many of them compared women to movie stars. 

• 35% considered attitude important--how bossy the woman is and believe   it or not, the tone of her voice when you first meet her can be used to an advantage.

Whether you want to believe this or not, every woman and man is attractive in some way to a member the opposite sex. Even if it's the way they talk, how polite they are, the way their body looks, or just simple conversation. Every person has preference of traits they want in their partner. So, don't judge that odd couple you see walking down the street, because they are not you. They don't want the same things that you want!

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Hot or Not..Is Sex Appeal Really SOO Important?

Everyone wants to be attracted to their partner or potential mate & sometimes to the point where you can even brag to your friends about how hawt the new person you are dating is. Dating someone sexy, hot, fine, whatever you prefer to call it is all good & well but what about what they have to say or what they have to offer emotionally?

I have found that most sexy and/or really, really hot guys really just serve one purpose: to be eye candy. Now that's wonderful if you're in the club dancing & want to have a hot a** dance partner for a few songs to make the night more enjoyable or even a good memory to look back on later. However, if you're interested in a finding a sound, healthy, normal relationship with lasting potential, I am starting to feel that sexy isn't the first criteria necessary to look for. 

Case in point...the sexier guys that I have dated seemed to be all about their own looks (clearly because that is their main selling point) & not too much else. As far as holding a decent conversation or being "deep" in some form or fashion, that just hasn't been available. Well thus far anyway. Perhaps there will be one that proves me wrong, but I can only speak on who I've come across here lately.

At the end of the day, it really all boils down to what you are looking for or needing from a guy or girl at that particular time in your life. If all you need is a hot bod with abs to dance with for a night & perhaps have a "nightcap" with later on then likely going for a sexy guy is the way to go. If you desire a connection that goes beyond the physical into a space where there is common understanding, respect & all that warm/fuzzy/gooey stuff then I say the average Joe may just not be all that bad.

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Great Dates That Won't Leave You Broke

Photo by imagerymajestic

I'm a firm believer that a date shouldn't cost an arm and a leg. After all, I like you enough to hang out with you for a couple of hours, shouldn't your time and energy be enough? Besides, the same old dinner and a movie dates get tired. So here are some great ideas to keep your dates fresh and fun while not taxing your wallet.  

1. Local festivals

With the weather warming up, there are plenty of local festivals, galleries and concerts to be enjoyed. Many charge a low parking fee or price of admission but all the different sights to enjoy make up for the little cash you spent to get in. To search for festivals going on in your area, click here.

2. See a movie in the park

Lots of cities are starting to offer movie screenings in the park and many of them are FREE! All you have to do is show up with a blanket/towel/set of lawn chairs and your favorite snacks. Yes, many of the movies are family friendly, but who wouldn't want to watch Shrek under the stars while eating chips that you didn't have to sneak in your purse?

3.  Attend a wine tasting
Some areas have bars and restaurants that do frequent wine tasting nights, often for a low cost of admission or even a donation to a featured charitable cause. Feel free to sample the many varieties. Just be careful no to overindulge.

4. Play a sport together
A fun exercise session never hurt anyone, right? If you're both athletically inclined (or just really enjoy the game) play a round together.

5.  Host a game night
Everyone has a favorite board game from their childhood. Or maybe you're a fan of video games past and present. Whatever it is you like, be it Monopoly, Super Mario Brothers, or Modern Warfare 3, get your controller charged up or all your spare pawns (Don't act like you never replaced the boot with a penny) and start playing. It's even more fun with other couple friends.

6. Teach each other something
If you have a unique skill or special interest, why not spend the day teaching it to your partner? Maybe you're good at photography while your date is more musically inclined? I'm a writer, my boyfriend is a gamer. He taught me how to play Street Fighter (I'm more of a Mortal Kombat kinda girl--all you do is push buttons.) I helped him improve his writing skills. It seems really simple,  but you can really learn a lot about a person through their teaching style.

7. Learn something new together
Along the same vein as the previous idea, I  believe that learning a new skill together can increase a bond between two people. Take a class together.

8. Volunteer together
In my opinion, nothing says more about what's important to you more than the issues and causes you support. If the two of you share a particular passion for helping an aspect of the community, why not do it together? Many organizations are in need of volunteers and a quick Google search can get you on the right path. Another good place to start is Volunteer Match, which compiles opportunities from over 82,000 nonprofit organizations across the US.

9. Go on a picnic
Spring time is perfect picnic weather, especially here in the south. Head to the store with your date pick up some of your favorite foods from the deli and something to drink. Then find a shady spot in the park with just the right amount of sun and enjoy the time together.

10. Karaoke night
Depending on your comfort level, there are many ways to participate in a night of singing your heart out. If you're shy, you could stay home and play one of the many karaoke games out for your choice of video game console If you have a sense of adventure, you could brave a traditional karaoke bar where all eyes will be on you. If you can find a Korean-style karaoke bar, you'll have the best of both worlds.
The two of you will have a chance to get  out of the house, but have the privacy of your own room complete with a comfy couch, two mics and no judging eyes. Serenade each other or shake it fast to "Baby Got Back." It's a good time had by all.

A fun and interesting date doesn't have to break the bank. It just takes a little creativity and some willing participants. Check your local paper or message boards for other outings that are bound to create some good laughs and lasting memories.

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